C'est La Vie

Awake my Soul

2011-09-02T17:38:00.000-07:00

its funny how you can be surrounded by people you love and feel completely alone.
i am alone
i sit here wasting my time waiting for someone to wake up my heart and nothing ever happens.
my mom isn't here
i haven't had a hug from her in weeks. i miss the feeling of mothers unconditional love.
i feel like i have to act like a child to feel that love, because i could never disappoint my mom when i was a baby.
there is just this huge disconnect in my mind. i watch everyone else love, everyone else laugh
while i sit and feel numb. i pretend all the time.
i know if it were my natural self i would just collapse and give in to the truth of it all.
i cant even sing along to love songs, thought i could. but it turns out i cant. haven't had the experience of love or relationship to sing about. i pray to God that he gives me the gift of staying in the present.
my birthday is on Monday
ill be 17 and lost.
i guess everyone is

frustrated. CAUTION YOU WILL WASTE YOUR TIME READING

2011-08-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

why does my mother insist on telling me things at the very last minuet. i ask her weeks before if we have anything going on and she says no, and par for the course i say are you sure mom, cuz last time you weren't. Yes im sure moosie. OKAY MOM WHATEVER YOU SAY. now my boss is going to cut my throat and let me bleed all over the freshly glazed donuts at work. great. GREAT. but today was snazzy. not in the least bit actually. i woke up and headed off to work aroundddd 7:30 ish and margie (the boss) sent me a text saying that i had work 8-11 and so i was there with plenty of time and only to find out my hours got flipped around. CUTE. so i got myself a lemon poppy seed muffin and peppermint tea and walked home. so i sat there for hours watching useless junk on the t.v. andd then i was like oh I'm hungry lets get some sushi, it should be open. so i walk up there...nope. its closed. EVEN CUTER. then i went got some more peppermint tea and a cherry turnover. Got home sat and then Jim(the stepdad) got home and started working away until i had to work. it was a regular day nothing special happened at work. just the reg. thennnnnnnnnnn i went home watched some more t.v. had a smoke with cullen. actually i had two in a row...not a good idea because ten min later i thought i was gonna die. i hate that feeling. then i took a nap and woke up feeling much better, had some more tea and watched I Used to Be Fat online...oh how i wish i could participate on that show. seems like i just need a personal bitch to smack the cherry turnover out of my hand. Watched jersey shore, STUPID. i think that, that show is a terrible waste of time and it sends the message that being piss drunk is fun and attractive, when really the cast of jersey shore show up in Italy and everyone is like 'is this a joke?'' for real. not even in the least bit actual REALITY. Anywho, i heard from a little bird that there was a meteor shower tonight, so I'm sitting on my bed with my window wide open and i see nothing. its funny how that last sentence will work for every aspect in my life by changing a few words. like so, I heard from my mom that there was a boy who would love me, so i go out with my heart wide open and i feel nothing. HA. good times. not really. well i doubt that ANYONE IS GOING TO READ THIS. so i don't really give a fack. Been praying for God to help me. Three things actually, Strength Discipline and Guidance. I really need that in my life right now. ON TO A HIGH AND DRUNK FREE SCHOOL YEAR. we will see how that goes and only by the GRACE of God will it happen. Ive been wanting a companion, like a boy someone to talk to about everything, someone to tell me i am loved (or even if its just a lie.) but no one has popped up in my life like that, so until then the sucker that actually reads this will have to get over my uselessness and I'm sorry you wasted your time. kinda feels good letting out random shit, clears the mind. OH yeah Ive been trying to Quiet My Heart, hardest thing ever. not even kidding you its hard. like to quiet everything in your heart and just BE is something i want to achieve. i guess its kinda like meditating, which Ive never tried....maybe i should....still see nothing in the sky...bummer.
oh well
sorry again
yours endearingly true

Sarah

smArtAss

2011-08-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

How can you capture the beauty of your soul while your looking through the eyes of someone else.

Sometimes I get caught up on how others communicate

and express their feeling with big words and smart planned answers.

I wonder if I am dumb or something.

because I'm simple and unintelligent.

whats so wrong with that?

why cant we live simply.

eh

2011-07-02T00:14:00.001-07:00

Fuck em.

insightful words from yours truly

Sarah

Good Old Osama Bin Laden

2011-06-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

Rejoice in the death of a crupt man?

Is this acceptable?

what about his soul?

Aren't we called to be a great and merciful people?

Why would we further humiliate some names scarred soul.

What good would it do to tear this mans soul apart?

what does it do to our souls?

The Great Unknown

2011-06-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

You said you feared God,

But in your heart you fear, fear.

Maybe I should just pray to what I believe, or feel.

I feel the Holy Spirit on my soul.

I know its there i just have to let mind

free to your love.

Ticking Time Bomb

2011-06-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

As much as i would love to leave you, abandon every touch, burn every photograph in my mind,

I cant.

I'm always going to be here for you I'm always going to let you use my heart.

You've just made me that way.

So eat, drink, and soak up my soul.

Go ahead, your allowed.

It's my fault I didn't know any better.

I long for the day you start to decay.

You wouldn't be able to touch me anymore, follow me around town, tell other people that I am your daughter.

Oh how i long for that day.

But even when your gone, my dreams will still be vivid.

Forever.

Inches

2011-06-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Every inch i get closer to you there is a foot of imperfections listing in my head and blocking my heart from what is really there.

You touch me and my face turns red, not from being embarrassed but from that list rushing around in my head, and the make-believe reasons why this is so wrong attack my soul.

You know that saying its me not you?

Well its not me

its my mind.

There's an automatic switch that goes off and tells me to run.

Maybe deep down i think of Ted and getting hurt again.

The inches grow and my heart grows cold.

Hands

2011-06-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

My Fathers hands had a large grip, strong fingers and sickly nail beds.

His hands were covered in black wirey hair there was a yellow grey tint to his hands and veins that stuck out like speed bumps.

When you open his hand a map of creases show a life line.

His skin rough and tempature cold and kinda clammy.

Most importantly my fathers solid gold wedding ring,

It was terribly scratched and had been on his finger for 11 years,

most of the time he wore the ring with pride.

It always made me shiver when his wide hand would touch my bare back,

the wedding ring was always more cold than his hands.

I could feel their marriage on my skin.

I can still feel his hands on me, my back, legs, breasts, and face all feels explored.

But the funny thing is that my father never completely explored my body.

I wonder what stopped him?

Maybe the weight of the wedding ring snapped him out of the trance.

But then again the ring didn't even weigh that much.

The Beginning

2011-06-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

Well hey there,
Today I got inspired. I thought that today is the time to start my life. I want to able to live freely, love myself, and share. Its a new day and I plan to share my life on this page. My blog is going to be about daily experiences, abuse, weight gain (and hopefully weight loss) boys, love, family, and my heart.
Well here goes nothing.....................
xoxo,
Sarah